His favorite sweet Gajar Halwa was on the table. “Will you just keep staring at it or have it?” this soft voice of hers got back me to my senses. I realized, that I was staring at the Gajar Halwa for quite a time now. My favorite sweet dish that I haven’t tasted for like 7 years.
“I am sure you must have missed the Gajar Halwa that I make. How long it has been? Six? No, seven years!” she laughed and spoke.
“Ya,” I said trying hard not to look directly at her. After all these years for me, it just feels awkward with her. Is it just me? Or anyone who is in my place?
“Kao no!” she said as she passed me the Gajar Halwa bowl and a spoon. I just smiled and took it. Never in my dreams, I thought I would taste Gajar Halwa made by her. I still know how it tastes even though it’s been seven years!
I took it from her and as I was having it, I could see Sneha’s excitement. She has that widest smile; I could see how excited she is and enthusiastically waiting for me to tell her how it was.
She knows that her Gajar Halwa is my favorite sweet dish in the world. I remember while I was a kid I fought with my schoolmate for eating away Gajar Halwa, made by her for me.
As I had just one spoon of Gajar Halwa, instead of being excited I was rather scared. Scared to have all those memories might come fresh. Those memories and nightmares that I was trying to hide for many years.
His inner feelings were all mixed, on one hand, he was excited to have seen Sneha after seven years, and on the other hand, he didn’t want to be with her.
He thought “I should have gone back” “I should have stayed away from Sneha”
Feeling a deep regret, I smiled and has one more spoon of Gajar Halwa. Trying hard to hide everything that was on his mind.
And his fear came true!
“I sigh deeply as it happened what I fear for”
As I feared for so many years of trying to avoid. Almost 7 years of feeling that I am trying to hide. All those memories were back just in a matter of minutes. I thought, “This is the time I could lose myself again, as my vision became blurry”
While all these memories were running in my head the moment, I looked at her, she was already smiling. And then, my heart went all crazy and started pounding fast. Her face, eyes, and her bright smile! I bet she is still the best lady that I have ever met.
Back to Senior school:
Sneha came along with her Gajar Halwa, she gave me and she was self-praising herself for a wonderful sweet dish. I was sitting in her varanda, I was looking at my bruises on my hand and face as I just got into a fight again.
Whenever I get into a fight or have a bad day, Sneha would make me Gajar Halwa to uplift my mood. My mom would be so mad at me as this happens most of the time.
We met each other when we were in 9th grade and we friend since then. We have been very close and she was the only true friend I had. Our friendship was so funny because she was one of the smartest kids in the class and I was a stubborn kid who always gets into fights, every day. She always believed in me and has a different perception of me. Whereas my parents think I am total trash.
And then college happened, nothing much has changed. The same old me who still gets into fights. But the only thing that changed is my feelings towards Sneha. I now see her not as a friend but more than a friend. I was shorts of words on how to explain this feeling.
This was the first time that I felt so strongly about someone but I feel it’s complicated. Only thing I knew that I wanted to spend more time with her. I was sure about how I felt about Sneha. But was not sure if she felt the same.
Knowing the fact that there are a lot of things that are different. She is talented, beautiful, smart, and of good nature. With these qualities of a girl, any man would fall for her! Whereas I, well nothing!! As days passed by, I was trying to change myself, by not getting into fights, doing good with my studies. And started my startup too. Despite having a positive change in life, I couldn’t manage to tell Sneha about my feelings for her.
I was hitting my rock bottom and couldn’t take the fact we are still just friends, was killing me. I wanted her to be more, I wanted her to be mine. Early that day Sneha said that she has something to tell me. So, I thought this might be the perfect time to tell her about my feelings.
Sneha started the conversation, “I have to tell you something, that I should have done long back” nervousness has filled her face and seemed worried.
“What, what happened?” I asked not sure what had happened and assuming the options too.
“I want to confess something to you,” Sneha said.
The moment I heard confess, my heartbeat was so high that I was at a loss of breath. Only one reason I could think of, even Sneha has feelings for me? I was sweating and completely nervous. But managed to ask, “Confess? What to confess?”
“I – I lo love….” As she struggles to complete her sentence, after hearing the word love, my heart was on race and it was like it could get out of my chest running!
“I love your brother”
“I love your brother”
“My brother??? What??!” My immediate question was my unexpected answer. Sneha is in love with my brother, hearing this my heart broke into millions of pieces. I still wanted to believe that this isn’t real.
I in total shock asked, “since when?” she was expecting this question and so she said, “2 months, we have been together for 2 months now. I am sorry that I did not tell you sooner. Since we are close friends, I didn’t know how would you react if I told you that I was dating your brother. This is the reason we hit it from you.”
Then things started to fall in place. Why my brother would always smile at his phone. He would always be out of the house. When I asked him about his girlfriend, he always said, you would know soon… but never in my dreams thought it would be Sneha.
Why my brother?
Even before I realize it, my face was warm and red and Tears rolled down. At this point, I was not sure how should I feel about this. It’s like someone is stabbing you with the knife again and again.
“Arjun!! Why are you crying?” Asked Sneha as she was totally worried while wiping the tears off my face. I held her hands while she was wiping my tears.
“They are just tears of Joy. Hehehe Don’t worry about it. I am so very happy for you both!” I never thought forcing a smile while you are completely broken inside is this hard.
Sneha smiled and said, “Arjun, even you said you have something to tell me, what is it?”
I struggled for a bit and casually answered, “hmm nothing, I just wanted to share that my business is doing great.”
End of flashback
“Arjun…. Hey, listen na.” Sneha said while she was waving at me.
“What, what happened?” I said pretended to be normal.
“I wanted you to stay here for a little longer, I am missing my best friend yarr”
“Sorry Sneha, I have few important unfinished tasks at work.” I lied confidently.
As Sneha and my brother are together now, I decided to keep things to myself. But the most difficult part was, stopping myself to fall for her or to control my love for her. They both are getting married in a week. At some point in those 7 years, I wanted to tell Sneha about how I feel for her. But realized her happiness is with my brother. I did not!
I wanted to be far away from her as I thought this would make it easy for me to forget about my feeling for Sneha. I have told them, that my business is in Chennai and would be staying there. And also pretended to have a girlfriend. So that they would think, things are pretty normal with me.
It’s been 7 years. And I thought a gap would heal hearts. But I am wrong! I still have the same feelings for Sneha. I love her! Even now when I see her, I would have the same butterflies while I was in college.
It’s hard to accept the truth, “She is the only girl in my life.” Being in love with your Bhabi is the worst thing. Since their wedding was just a week away. They wanted me to stay.
As Sneha said, that she wants to have her brother-in-law and her best friend at her wedding. But I felt the need to cut any further connections with the family. So as not to create any problem for them in the future. “Scared, that I might destroy her happiness, Sneha is all I have.”
As I finished eating the Gajar Halwa, I was getting ready to go. “Wait until your brother comes home,” Sneha said. “Can’t yarr, sorry I have to go.” It was just another lie for that day.
Staring at her. All these years I was running away to hide my feelings from you. I walked towards her and she was all confused while staring back.
“I wish you luck, Sneha. You deserve all the happiness.” As I said, trying hard to control my tears.
“Bye Sneha.” I hugged her tightly one last time. She is still the only lady in my life. I will for sure miss you, your smile, and your Gajar Halwa.
In another life, maybe… we can be together!
My story has used the theme “Tears Rolled down”
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